Questions

Below is a paper I wrote for my Worship class. I thought it might be nice to share.

          The assignment is to write a reflection paper on my own theology of worship. I’m finding this concept difficult, since I am currently struggling to identify what it is that I believe, and why I worship. I could write a paper regurgitating what I have learned about sacrament, church liturgy, and history, but that isn’t the assignment. Instead, I will write a paper on my truth, and where I am in the process.
            Susan White, in her book Foundations of Christian Worship wrote on Christianity and the social sciences. Since my most recent educational background was rooted in social science, this part of the book spoke to me deeply. White explains worship in a sense that I relate to and often discuss with my atheist friends: “What is fundamentally important in every case is not the historical reliability of the particular story but rather its truthfulness in the deeper sense.”

            The purpose of worship to all religions is about community, tradition, and an upholding of values that are important to that particular culture (White, p 23). It is not whether God actually flooded the earth and Noah was able to gather all creatures, but instead about the story within the story.

 I believe in the resurrection as a historical fact. I believe God walked as a man and suffered and died so that I may live, because I have experienced the grace of God in my own life. That belief is what makes me a Christian. I identify with the biblical accounts of the struggles of the old testament, and enjoy the various interpretations of the word. But I don’t believe it is all God has to say to all people, and I believe it has been used as a weapon in the hands of those who use its texts to oppress and judge others.

 I also believe those who experience God through the teachings of Mohammad, or a connection to Pagan beliefs are every bit as valid as my own. Therefor I struggle with the concept that Jesus is the only way to salvation.

            I believe in baptism. I believe in a commitment to raise children within the teachings of the faith that you identify with, because the support of a church family and the moral impact that has on a child is pivotal. There is also something comforting to me, about following a tradition from those that went before me. We’ve talked extensively in class this semester about teaching congregants why we do what we do, and how the reason behind it is more important than tradition. I think it is vital to know what the reason is behind the symbolism, but I believe there is an inherent value in the tradition as well.
             I believe there is a sanctity in vows that you make before God and others. But I am unsure if I believe there is anything divine about it. I partake in communion every first Sunday of the month. As a symbol for God’s love for me, and a renewal of my faith to God. But I struggle with the concept that we cannot have communion wherever it is requested.

            To fully call myself a Quaker, aside from the obvious of having to become a member, is to walk away from rituals, and Methodist church traditions I find comfort in. Hymn sings, communion, baptism, and a Christ focused service. Yet, when I worship in a Methodist service, I find myself missing the moments of silence, and the emphasis on inviting the spirit to speak through us.

 So often we invite the spirit into our Sunday services, but we do not stop speaking long enough to hear what message we might be receiving. My crisis of faith is feeling stuck between two worlds and not knowing which way to choose. It is not a question of why I worship, it’s a question of which way do I feel closest to God. In one service, I feel myself reaching to God, and in another, I feel God reaching to me.

            Holy Saturday service at Faith United Methodist where I have been attending, gave me time for reflection. The worship committee had arranged the courtyard of the church into “stations” numbered 1-8 and lit with candles. Starting at 7:30 in the evening, individuals were invited to participate in silent reflection at each station. There was a card with a verse, and then a prayer at the bottom.

The courtyard was empty when I arrived, I walked the labyrinth that is inlayed in the cobblestones, reflecting on Good Friday service, my faith journey, and this paper. I earnestly listened for a reply to my questions, but instead of an answer felt a compulsion to sit with my uncertainty a little longer. At the last station, a cross was lit next to a bowl of water. Sitting on the ground next to the crucifix I quietly renewed my promise with God. That I will be still, and go where I am led. That I will walk humbly, and do my best to be her hands.
                       -Abp 4/2017