To All the Single Fellas

Dear single men everywhere,

  As someone who has been to delving into the wonderful world of online dating too long to say recently, I have some thoughts to share on the subject, that might significantly help your chances on achieving your goal of, oh, I don't know. A date. With an actual person. Lets start at the beginning shall we? Now, this is a mistake I've come across way too often for it to be tossed up to a handful of socially unfortunate souls. "You're really pretty. What are you doing on a dating site/ Why are you single" is NOT an acceptable way to get me to talk to you. It sounds like a perfectly innocent intro. Compliment, question, get a response. Right? Right? No. Telling me I'm pretty and then following it up with one of the chosen two questions is not a compliment. You are insinuating that there must be something horribly wrong with me to be both beautiful and not already taken. Here is an example of how that interaction went most recently when that question was posed:

         gentleman2300:You're beautiful. Why single ?

          Me: Well, since you asked. I have glass eye that occasionally falls out onto the dinner table,     
          and people have an issue when I wash it in my drink and stick it back in.

Just so you are aware, that is the only response you will now get from me. That conversation is done. There is no coming back from that. Also on this list are gems such as: "Is your Mom hot? I just want to know what I'm getting myself into." and "I like them crazy". What the hell? Seriously. What are you thinking? That you're cute? Funny? I don't get it. In all honest, I do have to thank you for saving me the time I might have put into listening to any intro you had planned. But let's say for the sake of conversation you managed to get past the intros and I actually agree to meet up with you somewhere.
 Here's a sure fire list of actual things that have been said to me that make damn sure you won't hear from me again:
     1) fear is what stands between me and most people.
        (translation: I'm a racist asshole.)
    2) Can we split the bill? in itself not an issue but followed up with: If we were a couple I would pay, cause I know you'd get me back later, But....
        (Translation: I know I'm not getting sex tonight, and oh yea I'm a sexist asshole)
   3)  You make me look better just standing next to you. (Translation: I- I don't even know.)

Ya know what? On second thought: If you can't figure it out yourselves. I'm not spelling it out for you. I'm done. I'm too tired to be witty. To exhausted to try anymore. To quote Charlotte "I've been dating since I was 14. I'm exhausted. Where is he?!" I'm going to move to Italy and eat olives and drink wine with lots of pugs, big hats and red shoes. If I'm gonna get hit on by morons at least it will be in a different language.

Signed,
 Abbi with an i